My name is Aisha, I’m 24 and I’m figuring life out. People would describe me as someone who’s always smiling, always bantering, can be a bit moody sometimes, a bit aggressive. Growing up I was a bit of a tomboy- what with having two older brothers (all of us very close in age), and two male cousins who lived across the road from us. But subhan’Allah no-one but Allah knows me. Even I don’t really know myself. He understands everything I feel, think, wish, desire. He understands what I sometimes cannot get my head around. He knows that I am a girly girl, I just have boyish, off-handish behaviour sometimes when I don’t want to address certain emotions-I grew up thinking tears, sensitivity etc were a weakness-because I learnt that from my brothers. He knows that I can sit on my own for hours and hours and just think about everything and anything. He sees the vulnerability that other people don’t-alhumdulillah!
All my life I have struggled with expressing my emotions, whether due to fear, respect, shyness or just not being able to find how to do so. In fact, there’s a lot of experiences or struggles that I’ve removed from my memory, or should I say, that I haven’t ever dealt with, just because I didn’t ever address them and they have neatly been filed away in the ‘forgotten emotions’ folder.
Islam has always enticed me, I always loved this beautiful religion, except when I did not understand it-I did not understand Allah’s plan, I did not understand the concepts of the deen. I struggled to comprehend basic rulings due to my own ignorance and habit of always asking ‘WHY?’-with all the attitude that that question requires. And trust me I had plenty of attitude.
I am ordinary. Except I’m not. Why? Because I was gifted with something so beautiful when I was born, I was surrounded by this beauty called Islam, but when I started to gain my independence I abandoned it. May Allah forgive me. My question of “Why do I have to do that!?” turned into “I’m not doing that!!” My curiosity turned into ignorance and arrogance. I was a straight up idiot!
But then I became unhappy. I had anger bottled up from my childhood and teenage years. A lot of anger. A lot of sadness-and when I went to university I fell and I broke alhumdulillah. And I say alhumdulillah because it was this despair that enlightened me. I remember the precise moment, clear as day. I was in my second year, struggling, failing uni, surrounded by the wrong people, the hayaa was just non-existent and I couldn’t take it anymore. I spent the night in contemplation. Crying. Praying. Begging. Repenting. But it didn’t stop there. I didn’t wake up the next day and think ah yeah that’s done let’s go mosque. Nah-my plan wasn’t that easy. I carried on the way I was. Except I had taken a step forward. This time when I was sinning, I was thinking of Allah and that I should stop. That was progress.
Over the next two years, I could feel the shyness returning, the second-guessing and that moment of hesitation before I chose to sin or leave the sin returned, I distanced myself from the bad friendship groups so I could just focus on re-building myself. Over that time I started praying salah again, I started taking an interest in Islamic lectures and not music. I saw success and achievement return to my life as well! I graduated with a 2:1 (a grade to this day I do not think I deserved apart from by the grace of Allah), I got a part-time job, I passed my driving test (8th time lucky or what!?)
I started blogging because I used to write in school when I was sick of pretending everything was okay. In the dark days of my life I abandoned that as well. I could not pick up a pen in order to write. So I had no positive outlet at all. I originally wanted to blog anonymously so people didn’t know I was feeling these things, the things I express and share, but then I realised that I won’t be making progress or forgiving and letting go if I didn’t attach these words to myself. So I did.
Alhumdulillah here I am! Working in a law firm, puddling these dirty puddles trying to work my way through life with the right purpose, the right mind, the right people. I now understand things better because I’m learning day by day, more and more.