Posted in anger, campaign, Emotions, Health, Journey, Life, mental health, Mental State, Poetry, Therapy, Uncategorized

Wounds

Just another wound

broken men soldier through life

picking up scars

from broken pasts and broken hearts

but they can’t cry

or speak

society does not permit

gravity to touch their tears

it makes them weak

so they sit mute

fading yet failing to disappear

persist in their hollow drama

whispering their pain to the back of their eyes

their dry eyes

and boiling temper

I look at you confused

my broken man

wondering why you won’t release your stress

and trust the security I offer you

Another wound

my broken man soldiers through life

deeper scars

from a broken past and a broken heart

-a.K.a-

 


“Soft hearted people are not fools, the know what people did to them but they forgive them again and again because they have beautiful hearts”

-Islamic Quote

(unsure of the writer)

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Posted in Contemplation, Emotions, Health, Islam, Journey, Mental State, Poetry, Uncategorized

Alone

Alone.

Watching the world go by through the holy stained glasses

clouded overtime from the mist left by the believing sinners

Alone

Yet reminded that God is ever watching

Ever near

Yet I can’t shake this feeling of being

Alone.

Witnessing happiness

Feigning joy but in seclusion self-mutilating

Resisting urges to give it all in

Give it all up

To Be Alone.

Telling myself I can’t fight anymore

I can’t pretend

Telling myself you can

One step at a time

But telling no-one else

Alone.

Then waking in the early hours of dawn

To confess the sins of the night to the Lord

So close.

a.K.a-

Posted in domestic violence, Emotions, Freedom, Health, Humanity, Islam, Journey, Life, mental health, Mental State, Poetry, Spoken Word, Therapy, Uncategorized

Strength in Walking 2

It was while she was running
Rainy days
Blistering winds
betraying tears
Forgiveness isn’t a friend of the stubborn
She had laughed in his face
Cried inside but showed no pain
Now it was while she was running
Traffic crunching along
Gravel sounds made her turn around
but she was still moving on
The shadow of the world
Shone through the hazy streetlights
and yet she ran
Hood pulled up. Close.
Hands shaking from misery
and exhilaration of defiance
It was while she was running
away from her mistakes
that she ran into freedom-
the freedom of walking away

-a.K.a-


Check out Strength in Walking here

Strength in walking

Posted in Health, Islam, Poetry, WEalth

In Need In Deed

I am dying of thirst of hunger of need

I die of power, money and greed

we breathe in disease

i breathe in toxins

i have resources

Until we stole these


i am carefree-except this poverty

We both have swollen stomachs

i’m starving you starved us

you fed yourself

we chose which child survives us


I am close to dying I feel quite free

I shall use your picture to promote charity

You raise funds and money taken from swollen pockets

infiltrate them into your own and then mock it

We do give it back, charity starts at home

If we did not provide for you you’d die alone

God put us here as a test for you to pass

Why do you think you are superior in class?

Why should we think of those that lie crying

I can’t hear your pleads

Because your souls are dying


Fortunate are those who are thankful and generous

Spending the most for those in need

Fortunate are those who remember that we will all go one day

and regardless of wealth, power and status

we will be judged according to our deeds

-a.K.a-

——————————————————

Quran: 2.270 
And whatever ye spend in charity or devotion, be sure Allah knows it all. But the wrong-doers have no helpers. 
—————————
Quran: 2.271 
If ye disclose (acts of) charity, even so it is well, but if ye conceal them, and make them reach those (really) in need, that is best for you: It will remove from you some of your (stains of) evil. And Allah is well acquainted with what ye do. 

Posted in emotion, Health

Empowered by madness

Distance the mind from what’s happening

Let’s stop it in it’s tracks

The negativity keeps coming back and why is that?

I do not know why. I cannot stop this thing that attacks

You have to sit and listen i can no longer cover the cracks

Theres a little thought in my head that does not vanish-

cannot be vanquished

It grows in fact, it’s bold in fact,

wears red and takes ahold.

It is stronger than my pen even when it is on paper

it does not step aside even when pills are tryna stop her

It’s definitely a she only a girl can bitch like that

It is definitely a he only a boy can scrap like that

It is definitely living inside of my skull –

deading all my cells and creating a big hole

and while all this is occurring

my stomach is churning my hands are shaking;

breathing isn’t easy and my vision is blurry;

heaving and heaving begging and pleading-

God can you stop this I don’t like this feeling.

Take a seat before the next which is always around the corner,

ready to get you before you forget this horror,

this panic and anxiety this dread and bother,

this illusion of happiness plasted on the cover-

of every line I write- everytime I smile -every jolt of laughter everything that I let by,

in my hello’s and goodbyes when you’re distant or by my side,

you can feel that there’s a presence of depression that cannot hide

coz it’s alive

It’s empowered it is driven by my own madness,

it’s running it’s course and running out of sadness-

Sadness and out of steam

and I wake up in the hospital running in my dream

tried to run away

but a car ran over me

Posted in Health

The Life of a Teen Growing up with Hashimoto’s Disease

It has been said before, but for the sake of being British and loving a good old moan, I’ll say it again. Being a teen was an awkward period of time. I mean, what with spots, awkward growth (or lack of), and society blaming everything on “today’s generation”-it really was shit. Not that we cared.

 

But being diagnosed with an underactive thyroid disease was another attribute added onto my list. For those who are not aware, the thyroid gland is located in your throat and releases a hormone which affects one’s metabolism, thereby affecting heart rate and weight/growth. Thus, a deficiency in such a hormone would mean a slow and sluggish metabolism, and vice versa. The fun doesn’t stop there. To counter-act this hormone imbalance, a “victim” of  this disease has to take daily medication…for eternity. Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis is when the immune system mistakenly attacks the thyroid hormone itself-thereby self-inflicting this otherwise unnecessary bother. Thank you immune system.

 

Now, my mum and uncle were already suffering from underactive thyroid (hereditary), so it wasn’t such an alien concept that I was going to feel drained and tired…a lot. But, waking up and feeling tired? Having a beautiful 8 hour solid kip and still feeling drained, with the weight of the world on your shoulders, dragging your mind, body and soul around all day.

 

Let’s go back to the beginning; I was diagnosed at the age of 14…but I believe that if we were aware of the situation and Doctors reacted quicker, a potential diagnosis could have occurred when I was 11-12 (my year 6 pictures are awful). I was grossly overweight and short. I was hit with the lack of height like a missile to the top of my head; even now standing at a measly 4″11…okay 4″10. We’ll get to that later. Pre-diagnosis, I think 3 different Doctors told me to lay off the fizzy drinks, crisps and chocolate…which I didn’t eat because I had a strict mother and a lack of appetite. They also told me to exercise more, to which I mentally told them to “Do one”. Finally, a fourth Doctor instantly wanted to check my thyroid. After a blood test the results came back dangerously low, an emergency appointment was issued, and I was immediately put on a dose of 75 mcg Levothyroxine. This gradually increased to 200mcg and overtime it went up-and-down trying to find the perfect balance. Eventually, I settled on 150 mcg, which is the dose I’m on to this day at the age of 21. During that period, my weight and height were also monitored as well as my menstrual cycle, and any other side effects I was experiencing, namely migraines. The migraines were the worst and I am affected by them to this day. Nothing like a good old migraine to kick-start the day.

 

Now for the good bit. The positive side effects were amazing. I was rapidly losing weight and loving it with no exercise involved whatsoever! ( I love to work-out now but at the time I was a lazy teenager remember). My body felt more alert to my surroundings and I became more outgoing as a person. My height was still not improving and after a bone scan we realised that that wasn’t going to change much. And, true to science, it didn’t. My lack of growth was a big deal to some more than others, and I’d put it down to shock. If you were to look at my family in a photograph…we look pretty funny. I have two brothers who stand at 6 foot, as does my father, my mum is around 5″4, which is pretty average for a Pakistani. To put this into perspective, my younger brother, who is now 5, measures just below my chin so by the time he’s 10 I’m pretty sure he’ll be taller than me. Definitely by the time he’s 12, as I have the average height of a 12 year old boy. Have a little giggle at that before we move on.

 

The ugly side effects emerged later.My grades slipped-my concentration and focus were awful-coupled with a dysfunctional family life-I went from an A grade student to an average B-C grade student. Not cool. As someone who has always loved books and studying, if I have one regret in life, it is not putting in that extra effort that I should have, and working that extra bit harder. In hindsight, school wasn’t that bad though, I’d come home take a nap, wake up do homework etc. University was hard. Keeping up with the student life and studying simultaneously, was hard. The migraines were persistent and made me want to pass out to end the pain. From my own personal research, I felt like I had experienced most of the symptoms that come with underactive thyroid (even when on medication): hair thinning, dry skin, joint/muscle pains, depression etc. It was not simply just “tiredness”. So, when people called me “Grandma” or “lazy”, believe this when I say, I could have punched them straight in the face…if it wasn’t for the migraine penetrating my left eye. It is always my left eye. None of that stopped me from living my student years to the full, and I managed to graduate with a 2:1 in a BA Law degree.

 

On a more serious note, I know that depression can become a major difficulty in the life of someone with thyroid problems. It is very real and especially prominent in this fast-paced society, where we are all trying to keep up-it can have an impact fast. Living in a world where it is easy to alienate yourself-unless you want to be found- depression can be dangerous for someone who doesn’t have a solid support system around them. If I ever felt like my emotions were running out of control, I would pick up a pen and write it all down. Some don’t have that outlet.

 

On that cheerful note, I would like to end this by saying that some problems don’t appear so serious until we experience them ourselves. If someone is in pain do not mock that pain, but try to understand the reasoning behind it. Yes, it’s true, some people have a habit of moaning about their problems, which are somewhat trivial, but sometimes it is very real and very constant, just not in plain view therefore harder to comprehend. To those who do have Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis Disease, I hope you do not think I have exaggerated it and that you can share this experience with someone who understands; to those who do not have this, I hope you appreciate that sometimes people just feel tired…because.

 

 

Note: This is my personal experience of it, not everyone will have this experience. Furthermore, it’s not an excuse for underachievement, this has to be emphasised. Anyone can achieve anything if they put their mind to it.